sides of gold (jun08)

I yearn to arise and make out your face each morning, with the bright rays cross your face and the day that waits to unfold for us both.

I grow tense as I focus my attention to my growing abdomen; four months strong, now outwardly drooping over the blue pant seam. Bending over, reaching for the packet of frozen raspberries seemed to take immense effort. Suddenly I noticed the uncomfortable cold sensation running through my fingertips. My eyes wide as I lifted my hand into a different position, absent from the packet. I slipped the red object between my lips, barely able to hold it stable. Clearing myself of any sign of drowsiness I hold firm the armrests of the chair, pressure beneath my palms to lift the aching body I was incased within. I steadily make my way over to the wooden cupboard leaning against the bedroom wall, my fingers curled around the rusty golden handle and with one jagged pulling motion it opened. I shuffle through the letters by date till I reach a familiar crumpled cream envelope; the contents read many times for this was the last intent he left before he departed. My eyes start to water, I can barely unfold the paper within.

Holding onto the weight of your words
Wait for my return…
- Charles

My eyes burned, as I did not let a single drop of my weakness’ to escape. They seemed to be merely words, words to deceive my heart and each time my eyes scanned his handwriting, a sharp stabbing pain would form in my chest making it hard to breath.
----

She was all I could see as my eyes focused on the apartment building ahead of me. Nothing had changed. I wondered if she continued to reside in the home we bought together. A westward breeze slapped my face as I rustled my left hand against the cigarette packet situated in my jacket pocket. My right hand trembled with the light placed between my index and my ring fingers. I selfishly asked her to wait for my return, not knowing when the inadequacy within my being would cease. I wish I could venture back and show her that I was unworthy of her undivided attention and her faith that encapsulated a man I never could be.

As if she heard my calling presence, she appeared in front of the building, closing the familiar glass doors behind her. My eyes diverted to her glowing face then to her expanded waist and then my limbs froze. I closed off my vision of her beside me with our child, her hands residing in mine, as I was lost beneath the bottled anger, the muddled nonsensical words. What I desired to say to her was inexpressible and inexcusable. I battled with my pride as I knew selfishly I loved her too much to let her leave me again. But in that exact moment I reminded myself that I would not hurt her once more as I suppressed the urge to suddenly call out her name when I watched her walk away. Even now she had the same effect on me; still in awe of her beauty. Hands in my pocket, I walked away from the nostalgic building leaving behind everything I held dear, carrying with me nothing, nothing at all.

textile ocean (apr08)

I repeated the lines of a novel I knew so well in my mind;

Creatures of the textile ocean.
Swimmers in a sea of colored fabric…

The words painted images and consumed me with thoughts related and unrelated. As I started to pick at the fluff that stuck out of the warm gentle blanket that covered my fears, I sat perplexed. The fabric molded itself against my body, I dared not move. A soft murmur against my ear speaking of quick-fix products that would change my life, started to increase in volume as I realized my head was resting against the radio. I shifted my head, lifted my arm to switch the deceitful voices off and removed the object to the ground. Residing on the wall opposite hung a black rectangular clock that urged me to rest, printing 5:25AM. Late as it is, I felt no urgency to relinquish the battle for an answer. Was her leave a sign of abandonment? Was she running, hiding away, hoping for a quick-fix to all that was happening? It seemed she gave up and I held on.

~

“I’m leaving for a while” mum says, pulling up at the traffic lights, “…for some work related things”. I could hear the stammer in her voice and tone notorious for hinting she meant otherwise.
“You’re just going to leave?” I ask in disbelief, “Is it really for your job?”
After a long pause she answered both questions in unison, “Yes”.

~

I wiped a seemingly melodramatic tear from my eye and made the decision to reside in blank idealism. Afterwards I lay still, letting myself sink into the warm fabric that engulfs me as my eyes start to flicker to signal my fatigue. Receiving only flashes of light from the surrounding environment, I realize my vision is blurred, perception weak. As my emotions suppress, I safely closed my eyes and drift into a deep sleep.

Only confusion, no conclusions.

rationality (mar08)

Gripping the glass with a strength knowingly would never let it shatter. I eased the pressure for a second and knew exactly what would relieve this bitterness. It was over in a flash as I watched smashed glass pieces glisten on the white tiled kitchen floor. It seemed selfish, usurious, stubborn to hold on so strongly. My mouth unsuppressed every bottled up emotion, my voice hoarse and strained.

Your eyes glaring,
Too fearful to hold your gaze
Haunted.

Harsh words that scarred
Hands that left wounds
Remember?

To love you dearly
Never to betray
Unconditional.

I breathed heavily, my throat sore and tight. I grasped a moment to compose myself and took contact with the plastic red seat beneath me. Am I naive to stay and suffer the repercussions of your lost wonderings in the wilderness? I gain rationality and realize, even though I cannot save you, I know someone who can.

I slide down off the chair to my knees, weeping openly and I pray for a miracle.

creeping (mar08)

He is nameless, nonexistent, and yet seemingly present in my spirit. Can I declare all that you are on this page dearest? Without seeing, without hearing without feeling our hearts align, I know you are the have the sweetest scent, a knowing smile and hands that play melodies only meant for my ears. Maybe we’ll meet on a bus filled with leather seats and a graffiti ceiling, behind the tinted café windows I join, or during the rain pour as you ask to share my umbrella. I’ll be waiting for you. Are you lingering by the street crossing, waiting for the green light to pulsate within me to approach you with the courage I could muster if only I realized it was you? Find me so we can embrace this waltz, hand in hand, melodies I can hear that make my heart feint now. I can almost hear you whisper my name…

As I lean further towards the tainted windows I hide behind, I watch you walk across the crossing. It’s not you but I’m bias, my emotions tainted by the person you are and as a result deep within me I wish it were you. A tear streams down my powdered face and I run outside, I run to a nameless nonexistent and yet seemingly present place in my mind and for a moment, it is you.