sides of gold (jun08)

I yearn to arise and make out your face each morning, with the bright rays cross your face and the day that waits to unfold for us both.

I grow tense as I focus my attention to my growing abdomen; four months strong, now outwardly drooping over the blue pant seam. Bending over, reaching for the packet of frozen raspberries seemed to take immense effort. Suddenly I noticed the uncomfortable cold sensation running through my fingertips. My eyes wide as I lifted my hand into a different position, absent from the packet. I slipped the red object between my lips, barely able to hold it stable. Clearing myself of any sign of drowsiness I hold firm the armrests of the chair, pressure beneath my palms to lift the aching body I was incased within. I steadily make my way over to the wooden cupboard leaning against the bedroom wall, my fingers curled around the rusty golden handle and with one jagged pulling motion it opened. I shuffle through the letters by date till I reach a familiar crumpled cream envelope; the contents read many times for this was the last intent he left before he departed. My eyes start to water, I can barely unfold the paper within.

Holding onto the weight of your words
Wait for my return…
- Charles

My eyes burned, as I did not let a single drop of my weakness’ to escape. They seemed to be merely words, words to deceive my heart and each time my eyes scanned his handwriting, a sharp stabbing pain would form in my chest making it hard to breath.
----

She was all I could see as my eyes focused on the apartment building ahead of me. Nothing had changed. I wondered if she continued to reside in the home we bought together. A westward breeze slapped my face as I rustled my left hand against the cigarette packet situated in my jacket pocket. My right hand trembled with the light placed between my index and my ring fingers. I selfishly asked her to wait for my return, not knowing when the inadequacy within my being would cease. I wish I could venture back and show her that I was unworthy of her undivided attention and her faith that encapsulated a man I never could be.

As if she heard my calling presence, she appeared in front of the building, closing the familiar glass doors behind her. My eyes diverted to her glowing face then to her expanded waist and then my limbs froze. I closed off my vision of her beside me with our child, her hands residing in mine, as I was lost beneath the bottled anger, the muddled nonsensical words. What I desired to say to her was inexpressible and inexcusable. I battled with my pride as I knew selfishly I loved her too much to let her leave me again. But in that exact moment I reminded myself that I would not hurt her once more as I suppressed the urge to suddenly call out her name when I watched her walk away. Even now she had the same effect on me; still in awe of her beauty. Hands in my pocket, I walked away from the nostalgic building leaving behind everything I held dear, carrying with me nothing, nothing at all.